Ever since I got pregnant, I'm quite determined to breast feed my child. It could be due to all the hype about the benefits of breastfeeding these days, or it could be because its basically "free" (fyi, no, breastfeeding can be expensive as well, I'll explain in another post), but I was very determined to embark on my breastfeeding journey.
I read everywhere that breastfeeding is not easy so I began to read about it, search on youtube for videos on breastfeeding and latching, determined to arm myself with all the knowledge i may need and thought to myself, how difficult can it get?
When Cleo is born, the nurses helped her to latch for the first time and commented that she sucks well. I remembered thinking to myself "not so difficult what". The next morning, the lactation consultant came to guide me on breastfeeding and stuffs and things got abit more tricky. The steps, the posture and stuffs all while holding on to my newborn who is so soft and fragile looking. That's very tricky. Just holding on to my newborn normally with both hands is scary enough and i now have to juggle with my boobs and and guiding her to the latch. My lactation consultant wasn't the most patient person around so honestly i didn't learn much from her. The good thing is the nurses in mt a are very helpful and patient and helped tremendously in guiding me to latch my baby. In fact, i learnt so much more from them than the lactation consultant. So don't be shy to seek help from the nurses who are always there to help. Also, if you're sleeping in a shared ward like me, don't feel paisay to breastfeed at night. initially, i was hesitant about feeding my child at night as I'm worried her cries will wake up the other patients. But i decide to go ahead since this is part and parcel of staying in a shared ward since i want to get as much practice in breastfeeding as possible since this is the only time when you can have guidance on whether you're doing it correctly. I strongly suggest you breastfeed as much as you can in the hospital so you can practice with guidance.
With so much practices, things still didn't go smoothly after we went home. I can't remember what i did but i latched her till my nipples bleed on both sides. Everything I learnt in the hospital disappeared into thin air. Cleo is a very aggressive baby when she's hungry (just like mummy), and coupled the above with her cries, screams, movements makes it all more difficult to latch her. With my very painful and wounded nipples, i decide to just pump and bottle feed her and let my nipples rest a few days.
With my wounded and very nipples, i began to have phobia latching cleo. This phobia, coupled with fear, lack of confidence, pain, and a hungry and very aggressive baby, i failed to latch her again and again. I believe my personal fear of the pain plays a very big part since every time she's near my nipples, i got scared and after a brief attempt since cleo is very aggressive and angry when she's hungry. I'll decide, "ok, i cant do it". Also seeing a hungry baby crying badly for milk, i dare not spend too much time trying to latch her as well. Now thinking back, i think its all excuses I'm giving myself for fear of pain. And with each failed attempt, my level of confidence dropped and soon, I'm telling myself maybe latching is not for me. Don't ask me why i didn't visit a lactation consultant. I dunno. At that time, i keep thinking nobody can help me. Anyway, i gave up latching her after a while and just pump and feed. From time to time, I'll try to latch, fail and tell myself, i can't do it. So up to cleo's first month, I'm a exclusive pumping mum. Although she's still drinking breast milk, somehow i feel sad. Somehow i feel that if I'm not latching her, I'm not breastfeeding her. This sadness, i did not tell anyone cos i doubt they (my family) will understand. I feel totally useless as a mother.
A few days after her full month, one fine day, cleo was crying for milk as usual so we were warming up milk. I dunno what got into me, but while waiting, all of a sudden, i decide to try latching her to stop her crying and surprisingly, i succeed on first attempt. I can't explain how happy i felt looking at her face sucking happily. Since its my first successful attempt, I'm not sure if she's feeding ok but from her satisfied looks, i think she's fine but i still standby the milk we were warming, just in case. But knowing her, if she's not full, she will cry her lungs out so should be ok.
So i tried again, and again, and again. Each time, we still standby a bottle, just in case she cannot latched or if she's not full. After a few consecutive successful attempts, I'm more confident and so we stopped the standby milk (very wasteful).
Till now, I'm extremely thankful she decides to latch after a month (i was thinking, so long, no hope already). I still haven't figure out why she suddenly latches but I'm thinking the following factors plays a part:
1. I'm more relax.
I'm already prepared to be an exclusive pumping mum so being able to latch her is a bonus. I remembered those early days when i was so stressed about the steps i read and/or what the nurses and lactation consultant taught. Its so difficult juggling those steps with a crying, hungry, aggressive/ struggling baby who is constantly waving her hands everywhere. Just when i find the "perfect moment" to shove my boobs in, her hands are in the way, or my own phobia of being beaten (she bit me till i bled before) always makes me hesitate which. results in my inability to latch her. Its just so difficult to make sure my nipple is pointing up towards her nose, her tongue is down, mouth wide enough, and hands out of the way. Maybe it's just me, and i think i didn't try hard enough, but gosh, those days were tough. These days, i just show her my boobs and she will latch naturally. Sometimes she will suck the nipples abit first or play around. I don't care. As long as she latches, gets her milk, I'm comfortable (no pain), she's happy, I'm happy. Maybe the lactation consultants will scream at me bcos of my technique. I dunno. But i don't care. whatever works. Ever since cleo is born, i learnt that what we read or learnt from the experts are just guides. Put into reality, if may not work. So be flexible to tweak it to what works for you. If you want to follow everything the experts says, you'll be so stressed and depressed.So relax. and take what you read just as a guide and don't put too much pressure on yourself (and people around) trying to follow it to the T cos its simply not possible.
2. I smell better
Seriously, this confinement thing is nonsense, especially in our weather in Singapore. We're always told to maintain our hygiene level, sterilize our hands etc before we touch the baby etc etc, and here we have the mummy on confinement who CANNOT BATHE and CANNOT EVEN WASH HAND?!! SERIOUSLY? I mean, come on, the mum is the one who has to have the most, and closest contact with her baby and she's probably the most unhygienic person in the house. I was allowed to wipe myself everyday (thank god!), and bathe every other day after 2 weeks, but in this weather (I'm lucky to encounter the hottest march ever with a temperature of 36 degrees during my confinement), it is simply not enough. even I am turned off by myself cos I seriously think I stink. and I'm hot and sticky all over. I think these contribute to one of the reasons why Cleo refused to latch during her first month cos mummy is hot and sticky and smelly! yucks.
I'm very thankful that Cleo latches pretty well now. It is really convenient and easy especially at night (no need to walk to the kitchen to warm up milk, endure a screaming baby while waiting for the milk to warm, and washing up afterwards). Also very convenient when she's screaming for milk in the car. Just shove my boobs to her, and she's happy. and a happy baby = happy mummy.
In fact, now we have another problem. She is refusing the bottle, which is going to be a huge problem when I return to work in a few weeks' time. Well, one step at a time.
Breastfeeding, regardless if you direct latch or pump, requires alot of commitment. I can finally understand why people say it ain't easy.
You need to endure the pain, especially during the initial days, and engorgement and stuffs.
You can forget about sleeping through the night. You'll be woken up by your baby or your boobs. Even if you have a helper looking after your baby for you, you'll still need to wake up and pump cos your boobs will be so uncomfortable.
You'll need to plan your time around feeding your child and pumping. Any activities or trips you're planning should be planned with your baby's feeding schedule and/or your boobs pumping schedule or you'll end up with very painful, engorged and leaking boobs.
You'll spend alot of time latching your baby and/or pumping. So think about how you want to spend this time wisely. Read some books, or watch those dramas you've always wanted to watch.
You'll master the art of multi-tasking. pumping and eating, pumping and doing work etc.
You'll become a semi acrobat and learnt to do things with one hand, and even perform tasks such as picking up your phone or book from the floor with your legs.
You'll need to persevere.
It's easier to give up. But don't.
Latching Cleo is one of the most beautiful and magical things to me. I love staring at her face while she's happily sucking away, holding her hands. It's so beautiful and magical, that I count my blessings everytime I'm feeding her, regardless of how tired I am.
Don't give up. It's so easy to give up. There's so many things out there that can make you throw in the towel. Pain, time, family... My husband has been very supportive in my decision to breastfeed and has been very thoughtful and helpful (like helping to wash the pumps, helping with the chores etc so I have some time to rest). Surprisingly, my mum has been my biggest obstacle. From the beginning, even before I give birth, she has asked me to prepare formula milk even though I told her I want to breast feed exclusively. She will tell me I may not have enough milk la, I may not be able to breast feed even if I want to, what if I am sick etc etc. Even after I've given birth, she's still asking me to supplement with formula. When Cleo is just born, she will ask me to supplement with formula cos no milk. When Cleo is having one of her growth spurt and asking for milk every hour., she will keep telling me my milk is not filling enough blah blah blah and we should supplement with formula. Even now she is saying she wants to supplement Cleo with rice water or something when she turns 4 months when she knows clearly doctor say to only have breastmilk till 6 months. For now, I can only be insistent in what I want for my baby, and just refused to listen to what my mum says.
Breastfeeding is not easy. but we can definitely do it. :)
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